I think I broke myself as much as I broke him

i miss him so god damn much.
i miss the way he intertwines our fingers together.
i miss the way he would carry me like i'm a baby.
i miss the way he looked at me like i'm the most beautiful person on earth.
i miss the way he would hug me so tight as if he was afraid of losing me.
i miss the way he smiles with the glint in his eyes.
i miss the way he laughs at my dumbness until his stomach hurts.
i miss the way he calls me clumsy and would do anything to care for me.
i miss the way he would always be there telling me that everything was going to be okay.
i miss the days where we argued because i know that he wasn't ever going to leave no matter how much i screwed up.
its been almost 2 months. and i'm still dying without him even though i was the one who gave up.
and i feel so fucking petty for crying over the decisions i made myself.
i fucking love him but i have to accept the fact that some things are not meant to be.
i'm scared, i'm so bloody scared that i will never be able to find someone like him again.
someone who is so loyal, forgiving and caring like him.
i'm scared that i won't find someone who loves me as much as he did.
and up to this day, i don't know if i had made the best or worst decision in my life by letting go.
i keep telling myself to move forward, that i'm still young, and that there would be someone better in the future.
but what if there isn't? what if i just screwed up my only chance at love.
he would die for me, he loved me like no tomorrow and i crushed him.
i broke him.
and i can't live with myself knowing that.
i said that i know we can never be together anymore, and do you know why?
because i know i won't be able to look at him again knowing that i broke him so god damn much.
i won't be able to see him laugh and smile and forgive me for what i did because i know what i did was terrible, despicable and don't deserve his forgiveness.
and i can just come to a conclusion that we won't have a chance anymore, i screwed up and may have just lost my only chance at finding a guy like him ever again.

"so when someone asks you about what happened to you and him?"
- Put on a smile, say its complicated and laugh. Because you can't expect me to go on about our entire fucking story and cry my heart out to everyone.

Our Story

Remember how we met?
I remember the very first time meeting you. Morning, you borrowed my locker. You had an infatuation on one of my best friends. After school, you waited for me to get back your things from my locker. I confronted you about my best friend. We talked, we laughed, we clicked.
Later that night, I was surprised to hear your name again and furthermore, I was going to meet you again. You were so quiet yet you somehow had a charismatic aura around you. And that impelled me towards you.
You drew on my hand, dragged me to buy water with you, shared about your favourite story book with me, helped me wear watches, walked beside me when I was lonely, waited for me even though you wanted to go home, teased me with balloons, initiated a chat with me.
We met more and more frequently. And we somehow began to like each other. You bought balloons and all sorts of delicacies for me. Even spent $60 on our rings with each other's names engraved on them.
You took the first move and asked me to be your girlfriend 5 times and i eventually said yes.
18/01/2016 - 20/09/2016, we've been through ups and downs. The amount of times we fought was uncountable. The amount of harsh words, tears and hugs were uncountable too.
However, it all came to an end. It was getting too tiring, and more like a routine. I just didn't feel special or happy anymore. I doubted myself so many times but someone then said this to me.
"if you even have thought about breaking up, it just proves that you don't love him as much anymore." And I found that incredibly true.
But since the day I let us go, I've been regretting it more and more as days pass by.
How I wish I hadn't give up.
How I wish you were still here beside me.
How I wish that we'll be able to find our way back to each other.
I figured out that I've not only lost my boyfriend. But I lost my best friend, my smile, my happiness altogether.
"When you find someone who only has eyes for you, eyes that won't roam around, keep him and never let him go."
He was and still is the most amazing person I can ever deserve beside me. He knows me inside out. Cared for and loved me like no tomorrow. And I broke him.
He deserves the best the world can provide him and I'm not sure if I'm still the right person for that.
He deserves to recover that glint in his eyes whenever he's happy. That sparkle and glow in his eyes whever he looks at something he loves. I want him to be happy even though I'm not.

I'm going to miss you

"Its not the breaking up that haunts you, its the flashbacks and memories that follows you."
I'm not affected by losing you.
I'm hurting because of the memories we had. I'm haunted by our happy moments together.

When you,
Backhug me.
Intertwine our fingers.
Suddenly kiss me.
Stroke my hair.
Tell me how much you love me.

I won't be able to forgive myself for letting you go, but I know its the right thing to do.
"When you love something, set it free. And if its meant to be, It'll find its way back to you." Thats the quote we've all been taught since young. And I have not understood it until now.

I'm letting you go to find the happiness that you truly deserve. To find the special someone who will treat you better than I did. To find someone who will accept your flaws no matter what.
I know you'll be better off without me. I know you can find someone better. And I know I'm being selfish for wanting to keep you to myself even though it doesn't do you any good.

I'll be strong, I'll let you go. I'll let us go.
You have claimed a special place in my heart and you will forever remain as the special someone who has made me into a better person.
End 20.09.16.

Me, You and Us

Me.

Narcissistic, hot-tempered, sensitive, emotional, disappointing, ungrateful.

You.

Caring, high-tolerance for me, never left me, loves me to the moon and back.

Us. 

Drifting, constant arguing. 

But never have we been so sure of something. Us. 

One word, guilt.

Two words, "I'm sorry".

Is what i've been feeling and saying a lot to you. 

I hate 

That I'm stressed so easily that I cry, get moody and throw my temper at you. 

That have to tolerate my nonsense everyday. 

That I have to make you suffer like that everyday.

I miss the times

When we're walking down the streets at 2am and telling each other how much we love one another.

When you automatically intertwine our fingers no matter where we are.

When we're just lying in bed and totally engrossed in watching a movie.

When we tell each other about our day and laugh till our stomach hurts.

When you wrap your hand around my waist protectively.

When you kiss me before we bid goodbye to each other.

I love 

That I'm the only one capable of making you feel loved.

That you're not afraid to brag to the world that I'm yours and yours only.

That you're the only one who I actually listen to.

That you're here with and for me no matter what.

That you accept my flaws and who I am.

You.

And I'm sorry. 

I'm not able to provide you with the happiness you truly deserve.

I'm not able to show how much you mean to me.

I'm not able to spend time with you as often. 

I'm not able to care enough for you. 

I'm not able to be there for you when you need me most.

I'm sorry.

For my childishness.

For my insecurities.

For my insensitivity.

For pushing you away. 

I'm sorry, for not being able to make you happy anymore. 

I'm afraid of losing you. But if losing you is the only way to end your sufferings, then I'm willing to suffer instead. 

Fear.

Confusion.

Hatred.

Guilt.

And only one thing is able to cover those emotions up, Love.

My Self Note

insecurities are eating me alive.
the feeling of getting judged everywhere i go in school.
everyday, i'll be thinking.
why do people hate me?
why can't i get better grades?
why can't i be more hardworking?
how much i dislike myself is really indescribable.
how much i'm unhappy with myself is indescribable.
how much i hate being in this judgemental society is just unexplainable.
i used to be this strong, fun, happy-go-lucky girl.
what happened?
where did i go wrong?
how did this happen?
who am i now?
i used to be happy.
i used to love life.
i used to keep telling myself that this is all just a phase in life.
that everything will get better.
that things are going to go back to how they were.
but this phase is lasting too long.
too long till i can't handle it.
i can't handle the fact that people misjudges me.
assumes my life.
hates me.
i can't handle that fact that i'm a disappointment.
to myself, to my parents and all my loved ones.
i can't handle the confusion growing inside of me as days past.
confused of, just what has happened to me.
of, what have i done wrong.
when people say my life is near perfect,
why am i stressed.
why am i depressed.
why am i insecure.
they just expect this girl who has good grades.
who can be both studious and carefree at the same time.
who is artistic yet good in sports.
who has caring and rich parents
they expect this all-rounder girl.
but truth to be told,
i'm far from that.
i'm not perfect, far from it actually.
i'm just able to paint an image that makes me appear like that.
and every painting can be destroyed by just one mistake.
and that mistake here, is just one tiny flaw of mine,
that destroys the entire perfect painting of me.
thats how society works nowadays.
and I absolutely hate it.
people focus on the one negative point and miss out on all the positive points.
that's just cruel.
cruel ; this powerful word which describes the world today.
and this cruelty killed my happiness.
yet all i ever wanted,
was to be happy.

The Chase

So... we broke up.
I went insane, drinking every night, going home at 3-4am every night. Apparently, he went drinking too and got drunk. He snapchatted me, "I miss you..." and I did the same.
He went into a depressed state and I tried distracting myself, in the wrong way. After a few days, it was like we couldn't separate from each other, and something was pulling us back to each other.
Eventually, we ended up texting. And also met each other by coincidence at a gathering.
We glanced at each other almost every minute. And it was evident that he was upset. I could see the sadness and longingness in his eyes. I couldn't bear to look at him like that, I couldn't let myself break up. So what did I do? I pushed myself to be happy.
He took it wrongly and thought that I could be happier without him. He thought wrong. Since the day we stopped, I suffered greatly. I tired myself out during the day so that I could fall asleep easier at night. I drank consecutively because I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I explained. We ended up skyping, I ended up crying. Just the sound of voice made my knees went weak, my heart pounding and filled my eyes with tears.
He spoke to me like I was a fragile piece of glass, able to break anytime. Like I was the most precious thing to him.
We said we couldn't leave without each other. And now he's determined to chase me back.
No matter how much I miss him, how much he affects me, I couldn't bring myself to accept him immediately.
The past still haunts me.
But I'm willing to give him another chance, to give us another chance because I simply can't live without him,
I love him.

Help

It's 1.30am, and here I am, in bed, crying. Because thats the only thing i can do and best at. Crying. It doesn't solve anything but at least i feel better.

Problems after problems, just keep arising. I'm so exhausted, I'm totally drained out. 

What has happened in the past 24 hours? My self esteem dropped, I'm putting other's happiness before mine, I became a disappointment to someone special, my parents and myself. 

Ever get the feeling like you've tried so hard, but yet you still failed to receive success? I'm going through that right now, and up till this point, I've given up trying.

Furthermore, I'm starting to notice that more and more people dislike me despite not even knowing me. Of course, one should stay strong and not let what others think affect you. But it's just too overwhelming you know? Because I don't even know what i did wrong.  

Hopeless, miserable, confused. My mind's a mess. I'm stuck at a crossroad, with absolutely no clue which road to follow. 

Sometimes, I'm just so sick of living in this world that i don't wish to be here anymore. But what stops me everything? My curiosity for my future. Where will i be? Who am i with? How am i doing? Sometimes, its these thoughts that strives me to keep going forward, to not give up. 

I've told myself, don't focus on the haters, focus on the people who actually loves you. "Haters won't get money for hating you." as quoted from someone. I tell myself to stay strong, because if I break down, that's exactly what the haters want. But I want to prove them wrong, that they don't affect me. 

On the other hand, I still do feel like a disappointment especially to my parents. Why can't i be smarter? Why can't i be more behaved? Why can't i receive better grades? I've tried so hard for them, yet i see no improvement in myself. 

Note to self and everyone else feeling the same : Don't give up yeah? You're still young. Everyone is special in their own way. Parents will still care for you and love you no matter how much you anger them or disappoint them. Embrace your flaws, and surround yourself with positive people who accept you for you. 

Good Luck! for me too. 

-Lei