My Self Note

insecurities are eating me alive.
the feeling of getting judged everywhere i go in school.
everyday, i'll be thinking.
why do people hate me?
why can't i get better grades?
why can't i be more hardworking?
how much i dislike myself is really indescribable.
how much i'm unhappy with myself is indescribable.
how much i hate being in this judgemental society is just unexplainable.
i used to be this strong, fun, happy-go-lucky girl.
what happened?
where did i go wrong?
how did this happen?
who am i now?
i used to be happy.
i used to love life.
i used to keep telling myself that this is all just a phase in life.
that everything will get better.
that things are going to go back to how they were.
but this phase is lasting too long.
too long till i can't handle it.
i can't handle the fact that people misjudges me.
assumes my life.
hates me.
i can't handle that fact that i'm a disappointment.
to myself, to my parents and all my loved ones.
i can't handle the confusion growing inside of me as days past.
confused of, just what has happened to me.
of, what have i done wrong.
when people say my life is near perfect,
why am i stressed.
why am i depressed.
why am i insecure.
they just expect this girl who has good grades.
who can be both studious and carefree at the same time.
who is artistic yet good in sports.
who has caring and rich parents
they expect this all-rounder girl.
but truth to be told,
i'm far from that.
i'm not perfect, far from it actually.
i'm just able to paint an image that makes me appear like that.
and every painting can be destroyed by just one mistake.
and that mistake here, is just one tiny flaw of mine,
that destroys the entire perfect painting of me.
thats how society works nowadays.
and I absolutely hate it.
people focus on the one negative point and miss out on all the positive points.
that's just cruel.
cruel ; this powerful word which describes the world today.
and this cruelty killed my happiness.
yet all i ever wanted,
was to be happy.