I think I broke myself as much as I broke him

i miss him so god damn much.
i miss the way he intertwines our fingers together.
i miss the way he would carry me like i'm a baby.
i miss the way he looked at me like i'm the most beautiful person on earth.
i miss the way he would hug me so tight as if he was afraid of losing me.
i miss the way he smiles with the glint in his eyes.
i miss the way he laughs at my dumbness until his stomach hurts.
i miss the way he calls me clumsy and would do anything to care for me.
i miss the way he would always be there telling me that everything was going to be okay.
i miss the days where we argued because i know that he wasn't ever going to leave no matter how much i screwed up.
its been almost 2 months. and i'm still dying without him even though i was the one who gave up.
and i feel so fucking petty for crying over the decisions i made myself.
i fucking love him but i have to accept the fact that some things are not meant to be.
i'm scared, i'm so bloody scared that i will never be able to find someone like him again.
someone who is so loyal, forgiving and caring like him.
i'm scared that i won't find someone who loves me as much as he did.
and up to this day, i don't know if i had made the best or worst decision in my life by letting go.
i keep telling myself to move forward, that i'm still young, and that there would be someone better in the future.
but what if there isn't? what if i just screwed up my only chance at love.
he would die for me, he loved me like no tomorrow and i crushed him.
i broke him.
and i can't live with myself knowing that.
i said that i know we can never be together anymore, and do you know why?
because i know i won't be able to look at him again knowing that i broke him so god damn much.
i won't be able to see him laugh and smile and forgive me for what i did because i know what i did was terrible, despicable and don't deserve his forgiveness.
and i can just come to a conclusion that we won't have a chance anymore, i screwed up and may have just lost my only chance at finding a guy like him ever again.

"so when someone asks you about what happened to you and him?"
- Put on a smile, say its complicated and laugh. Because you can't expect me to go on about our entire fucking story and cry my heart out to everyone.